Embraced by Melancholia

This year has made me come face to face with my demons. Yes, I hate 2011. I thought this year would bring more success, hope and possibly a new love and a new outlook into my life but two months before the end of the year, I find myself being sucked into the same hole like an Alice--- small, fragile, and afraid of the menacing bobcat with the weird grin.

Actually, I am not worried about the career path. As far as I am concerned, I am happy that at least, while everything seems to be a failure in my life right now, I have a good job that provides me well. At least I got that covered. Although I do not intend on being a tutor for the rest of my life, I still know what I want and am still hellbent on being a lawyer.

Okay, so basically I feel like I am stuck in a rut because of my pathetic to non-existent lovelife. While I convince myself that I might as well adopt a child when I am still single at 35, but still nothing beats having another person to occupy that empty space right next to my spot in bed. (It's not X-rated, you twisted little minx!)

Nothing beats waking up with a text message asking you if you had breakfast yet. I miss entering a store and randomly picking up a perfume just because it reminded me of him. Or checking out newer scents to impress his nostrils.

Don't get me wrong but I am not the type who believes jumping into a relationship will definitely kill my loneliness. I guess I am lucky I have a huge community of people and a wide variety of interests to put my thumb on that's why I'm not so bored. All I'm saying is, I miss being wanted. I'm not an egotistical bitch but yeah, I like the thought that at some random moments, I cross someone's mind.

But then again, I don't settle. I will not settle for somebody who is sooo not worthy just to be in a relationship. An embrace will be nice. But I don't want to go wiping some guy's ass just to fill that void.

Arrgghhhh! I don't know what I want...like seriously. It is so hard to want something that will inevitably make you put down the walls you have set to build your fortress. It is so hard to want something that will make you happy and fragile at the same time. Hay, I wish it can be just as simple as ordering coffee. Or getting a new polish. If it tastes bland, just put more sugar. If there will be any unruly bubbles in your nails after putting the lacquer on, just dab it with any solvent. Wish it's that simple.